2003-10-31 - 8:46 a.m. Happy Halloween What's a Vampire's favorite beer? Blood Light. Oh, you have a better Halloween joke? This has nothing to do with anything but it's impossible to lick your elbow. This has now sent a lot of you into a sort of weird �appearing to try and conk your head with your elbow� kinda fury. I hope you are okay. But enough about you. Let�s talk about me. Halloween is here, and I have no idea what I should wear. So this is my problem. I pick awful costumes. And I really mean that. I have gone as a wizard, and not a cool wizard like Gandalf, I went as a dork wizard with low hit points and a purple hat. Then I went as a burger. That�s right. I dressed up like a big mac, and while it got me some big play, it was a bad costume. Then I went as a guy. It was awful. I wore a shirt that had the word �costume� written on it and I called myself Captain Apathy. But lets face it. Halloween is just another event where you can be ridiculed for making bad choices in what to wear. And don�t I know it. I used to think it was cool to wear a mask and stuff, and go as something big and dumb. Like for Halloween I used to love to go as Godzilla. I loved going as Godzilla. It made my day. The only problem was my tail would drag on the ground. That this was pretty ratty at the end. So I saw this picture and I thought that I would include it. I guess it kinda looks like me as Godzilla. Except I have green skin. But my point is that no matter what you do you end up looking pretty dumb. Vampire�dumb. Frankenstein, dumb. Ghost, freaking awful. Mummy� Need I say more? I mean it looks like the guy from where�s Waldo (aka Waldo) was out on a date and got attacked by newspapers. I don�t think they are actually supposed to be mummies, as much as they are supposed to be phone books. They dressed as phonebooks. � � � � The problem with Halloween is that when we were young we used to get all dolled up and we were the cutest thing with two feet. Then we would go get buckets of candy and spray silly string on the neighborhood idiot. I didn�t even mind getting silly stringed every year. I mean look at how cute we were. But that was along time ago. Now we have to go as idioic things. Look at these kids. Look at what they are wearing. The Starwars group. OMG. Listen people, don�t do this to your kid. All girls get that awful Natalie Portman costume, which is just unfair for the ladies. The guys get Darth Maul, Ewen McGregor, and Liam Neilson. So the best is Darth Maul. But the other tow aren�t bad. Poor, whoever, who�s in the Jar Jar Costume. It should come with a sign that says �best the ever-loving shit out of me.� You give weapons to the three other males costumes, and then leave the most hated member out there with the dumbest mask ever. Like Jar Jar isn�t gonna get a beat down. God. But it�s also bad for �larger� people. Costumes just aren�t flattering most of the time. I mean, I have often encountered �one size fits all� costumes. One Size does not fit all� ask this guy. Poor fella. Good thing he�s dead. But some people get really into Halloween. They do up their houses, get the best candy, spend a month picking out the costume. I have been to parties where there is bobbing for apples. Who bobs for apples? Some people even dress up their pets. Or spend an hour photo shopping their kittens. But for the most part, those who get too into Halloween are just crazy. Think about it. They are sitting around their house with their families. They are having a glass of wine after a long day of work. Jeffy is cracking a walnut, hoping that this day brings something more to his pathetic life. Then Kimberlee blurts out� �Jeffy, I have it!!! We should dress up as the Tiger People.� And the Tiger people are born. Like�what are you doing. That�s not even a costume. Is she like, �I�m the tiger queen, and this is my lifemate.� I would reply with, �Oh really Tiger people. What�s you kingdom? A pile of crap? Did you have a coronation ceremony? Who was there? The whole animal kingdom with all the little hedgehogs and the great large giraffes? What did you have for dinner; all your guests? You are awful. Take off the crown of the tiger world, take out those awful extensions and get a grip on reality. You suck, your life mate sucks, and you spent far too much money on a royal tiger outfit for me to like you ever again. And this brings me to my mega gripe. Halloween is easier for women than it is for men. Women have the ability to look nicer, do their hair, wear something that matches, look attractive, maintain a level of dignity, and frankly this is their holiday. At least while we are adults. Guys wear stupid things. We dress up like Starwars/Startrek characters, or we dress up like something else awful, and nothing usually looks good on us. In fact, I have only heard of one good guy costume, and that was Pumpkin who went as Tarzan. What I am saying is that girls can put together something that makes them look both attractive, dignified, and competent at dressing themselves. Guys can�t. Disagree. Lets show a few examples of the girls costumes. The cowgirl, the go-go dancer, the cheerleader, the school girl (actually I was looking for a different schoolgirl one, but it wasn�t appropriate) My point is that these are costumes that I fantasize about. Guys love girls wearing these sorts of costumes. Plus we think that they are creative. AND the girls look good. I am just scratching the surface. I mean, the angel and devil, buffy, Xena, Trintiy, a hot elf and tons of others like this. Just mad ridiculous awesome costumes. The girls who counter this say that guys can usually dress up like girls and get away with that. And I agree. That�s a funny costume. But if I dress up like a girl every year, what is that saying? Do I do a good job at cross dressing? Am I supposed to be a good looking girl? No, I just say no. I am not walking this road. So then I am left with the awful guy outfits. Chewbacca, a barbershop guy, A samurai, or like a crappy looking superhero. No one should go as spiderman. I mean, it just looks bad. This isn�t to mention ones that will start popping up now from lord of the rings. Actually the two that have given me hope are Neo, and Orlando Bloom�s Legolas. Those are pretty easy, and could be pretty sexy. Especially if I get that long blonde hair. I digress. What I will tell you though is that I have ultimately decided to do a cross of a sort superhero and a women. And no, I am not going as Wonderwoman. That would be silly. My only problem now is; �Where in the World do I find my Costume?� | |||||||||||
