2004-02-05 - 12:21 p.m. God 5 Deconstruction ****warning this one is graphic**** I was starting to lose it. Through the murkiness of the convoluted idea�s and the differing opinions I wondered what was really true. I had hesitated, but I decided to ask my friend, who I believe is an atheist. I told him my stories thus far. He wondered why I hadn�t come to him sooner. I told him that there is something in the journey that is important, and I was afraid of getting to many answers from one source. He told me that arguments don�t work well with religion, because faith gets in the way. Faith is a great tool to believe something that is impossible. It can also be used to get past some things in reality that are possible, but didn�t seem it. Like death of a love one or destruction on a mass scale. I was confused and asked him to explain. He told me that he couldn�t. At least, not yet. He thought that I needed to understand something first. He said: �The last type of faith I had was when George Michael bumped his boots on a jukebox, and I thought: There�s a man�s man.� I didn�t understand. �Sometimes you have to undo what you learned by seeing what is wrong with it. Faith is tricky because it�s all feelings, so it can�t really be argued away at first like a math equation could be. So I have something for you to read. I want you to experience it, and see the conviction and faith of the man in this story. And then come back and tell me if this is what faith is to you. The last time I shot heroin, a few days ago, I thought of Jesus and how wonderful he is. He surrounds us. It�s funny, I walk down the street and I feel like his arms are around me hugging me as I walk down the street. Sort of like in those pornographic films when there is a real small girl and the guy is having sex with her while walking around a room holding her up in the air (I�ve never seen anything like this happen, but I�ve heard about it happening in those movies). Jesus loves us so much, He willingly "became sin" so that we could be set right with the Father. Our sins have been bought and paid for by the shedding of his blood. People don�t seem to understand that bleeding is to fully experience the true wonder of the lord�s beauty. Jesus can be a tiger as easily as a lamb. As he was torn apart and bled upon the earth, there was never a moment of pure forgiveness. I don�t think about Jesus often enough. Only when I am experiencing moments of true pleasure. When I feel the sting of the needle disappear I know that it�s his grace that is allowing my pain to end. I know that only Jesus could create this pure a sensation in my body. The type of feeling I get as I release inside of one of the girls that I have encountered. It�s in the pleasure of orgasm that I can truly suffocate the reality of the world. I just wish that I could bleed for Christ. I believe in the wisdom that he has given us. I have made girls bleed and I know that this is grace. It is a symbol of Jesus� love. When I girl feels a rupture, deep inside her, it must be to her better than when I feel the pain of the needle disappear. She bleeds all over me and I feel cleansed in the blessings of Christ. It was like the grace that Job received when he was removed of his earthly possessions and made to suffer for the love of Christ. It�s these things that make me know the screams are that of holy prayer and not of human suffering. I would drive the axe into my own chest were I able to. I would drain my blood for one look into the kingdom of heaven, the place I know that I will go. I will go because I will continue to feel the love of Jesus here on earth until it is my turn to bleed until I am drained. And then, like the son of God, I can return to heaven. This was too graphic for me. I understood my friends point. When the issue of faith is on us, anything and everything is subjective. Everyone is right. This man has faith. He will not see himself as in the wrong. Faith is not an excuse for actions. There needs to be an objective quality to religion. There needs to be some fact for the faith to stand on. But that�s the problem isn�t it? The facts rest on faith. | |||||||||||
