2003-10-03 - 2:00 p.m. Fear of Leaving I have fear in me. A lot of fear and a lot of doubt. I don�t doubt myself too much, but I am lately. I am scared of so much lately. I am scared of the bad choices I make, and the right choices I let pass me by. I am scared that the things I do don�t really matter. That my life is hurling out of control in a direction that I have set it in, and now I cannot reverse it. I am scared that things that are happening are happening because I think they are going to be good, but in fact will create havoc in my life, and destroy the things that really matter. I am scared that I have lost to many people in my day to irrational shifts. I am such a ghost in the lives of people sometimes. The friends I have made on the train will never see me again. I never said goodbye. I never told them I am moving. I will just stop coming one day, and then they will wonder what happened to me. I wonder what they will think? I lost touch will every person I went to Graduate school with. I lost touch with one of my best friends from college, and all the old time friends I made there. I lost touch with people from High School. People who I want to talk to but haven�t. People who I used to long for the company of. I understand that I am unable to keep connections among all the people in my life, but I am fearing that things have gone to far. And now I fear calling these people, for my shame of neglect has grown too large. I am immobilized by shame sometimes. My life seems so empty sometimes. I don�t know how to wash away my self imposed sins. What am I doing? Is this not enough? Is this life not enough? And now to you my friends at diaryland, I commit the same mistake. My LACK of commitment has caused a suffering in the quality of these pages that effect my world and yours to a degree. I suppose that there is a level of quality that will return, but for this period of time in the next few days; the next week or so, my time is coming at a premium. And I can�t afford to pay the luxury tax, so I have to stay under budget. God�. Dingus has noted two of my largest problems, which are growing more and more apparent today. The First is that I can�t say goodbye. The Second is that I can�t apologize. Even when I am sorry that I am leaving. Goodbye. For the time as it was things were good; great even. But now I am forcing a change, and this is a change that I hopefully can afford. I will return, but hopefully in true form, and not this empty ghost that I so often become. The fear swells in me again. I am a fool again leaving the known for the unknown and it makes me sick to my stomach. It makes me brutally nauseated. I feel the headaches coming again. My happiness was momentary and now I must face things that I have not anticipated despite my planning. Be critical of me. | |||||||||||
