2003-05-13 - 9:46 a.m. I love her Shelly called and was very upset. She told me about this necklace that she bought that was bezel. This means that the gems in the necklace were set in the fixtures in a certain way that is very pretty because it displays the jewels better without any metal obstructions. Some of the gems fell out. Backstory; for her birthday I bought her a very nice diamond bracelet, that was also bezel. It was an expensive gift, but it was a really beautiful and I really wanted to thank her in a special way for the kindness she showed me when I was getting my degree. We don�t normally get big gifts for each other, but I wanted to get something special. And pretty. She loved it so much, she cried when I gave it to her, cause she thought it was perfect. It was also bezel. It broke as well. Some of the diamonds fell out, but being risk adverse I had gotten it insured, so it was refunded at full cost. I got her a Fendi bag that she had wanted for a long time in return, because I knew that she would never buy it on her own. The bag was well received, but she said that the bracelet was very special for a lot of reasons. First she felt that it was perfect. It was want she wanted, but didn�t have to tell me. Its what she would have picked, with out picking it. She said, �It was so pretty that I couldn�t believe that anyone would give it to me. It made me feel very special.� Anyway I was very sad over this. And now she bought something else and it has happened again. My emotions fired immediately. I realized the retroactive pain that this incident has rehashed. I understand the frustration that she must feel and I want so desperately to help her. The only thing that I can think of is how I can make this better. How I can help her get through this. Though in the grand scheme of things this is a small incident I realize that right now it isn�t to my girlfriend. I understand that time will heal this wound, but this morning it�s a disaster. I think that men are good at very few things, but this is one of them. I have a primal desire to protect Shelly from this pain. Whenever she is upset or hurt or scared, I switch into a mode to protect her. I think men, or at least I am, built to protect. I tell her that I want to come to her job and whisk her away. I want to hold her, and tell her that things are all right. I want to take her to a store that sell pretty things and buy anything she wants. �Pick the prettiest thing you see and its yours. Then pick anything else, and you can have that too.� Often times, I think that this is seen as the male desire to �deal with� a girl. That is to say. That is to say that it annoys us that girls are upset and we want to pacify them with gifts or clich�s. This isn�t the case with me. I don�t desire to pacify I feel sadness with Shelly. I feel this need to take her sadness onto myself, to make her happy. I think that I can help her by taking her sadness. I have an unending desire to protect her from these feelings of misery and desperation. I want to take her pain. I hope women realize that guys are big babies when it comes to pain, but I think that most of us handle emotional stress well. We can be lighting rods and ground you from the pain. Its strange but, when Shelly get sad like this I just want to hold her. Often times I lie on her bed, or mine, and I scoop her up in my arms under the covers and just hold her and keep her safe. I let my body warm hers and I give her a safe place to cry or sleep. When she falls asleep in my arms I am so happy. I am happy because I know that I have a trust with her that cannot be faked. I know that I am a comfortable place to her and that only offers love and respect. I have learned that snuggling and holding are some of the best ways to help take the sadness from Shelly. When she wakes up. I am there, and I think, that reassures her that whatever has made her upset is minor. And that I will be there to make sure that she is safe, and happy. I think that when two people have developed a relationship beyond the physically aspects what remains is that familiarity. That longing to be together. My two grandparents who are alive were sitting together on Mother�s Day. They have been married 50 odd years. My mother had passed out personality tests for my relative to take because she likes to do that sort of thing. My grandparents took the test together. They only needed one sheet. My other two grandparents got sick at the beginning of my College freshman year. My grandmother had a stroke and went to the hospital. My grandfather wanted to help her so bad. The only thing he could do was learn how to build a ramp so that he could bring her back home, and the wheel chair could get into the house. At 78 he was able to construct that access to his house. He was at my grandmother�s side everyday. My grandmother did come home to see his work, but died there soon after she returned. He passed on two months later, with no real medical reason. Natural causes. I have always been afraid of certain things. I don�t claim to really know what love is, but I think that I know how to love. I am scared of Shelly being hurt. I think the way to love is to look at how you feel when the partner is going through a bad time. How do you want to act when they are hurt. If you love, you will help. This is why I hold her anytime she is sad. The best way I can describe love is if Shelly ever went into a Coma; if she were ever to fall asleep and not wake up. I would be with her everyday until she woke up. I would never leave her side, and I would talk to her when I was there. I would do this because when she sleeps I am happy, because she and I have a trust that cannot be faked, and when she wakes up she would know I had been there to keep her safe, and she will know she is loved. | |||||||||||
