2005-08-24 - 3:52 p.m.

Things that you take for Granted: Part 2

When I broke my left wrist, wiping my ass wasn�t a problem. Holding a fork was. This was because I loss the use of my thumb.

This injury brings up new problems.

Currently, I can use both thumbs.

This means I have loss the effectiveness of the �thumbs up� on my right hand. Instead it just looks stupid. However, this doesn�t stop me from using it. It just stops people from understanding what I am trying to do. It would be similar if you replaced the word �good� with the word �crab.�

�Crab Luck�
�Don�t let them get the crabs�
�You are a Crab boy�

Instead it just looks like I am trying to karate chop something. People have no idea what to think.

�How was the salad Gump?�
�It was *karate chop* crab�
Ebert and Rupert give it two karate chops to the skull.

It�s like throwing darts at a pool table. I�m just not in the right game.

Plus I can no longer tell people to fuck off while driving. As I raise my hand in defiance, trying to anger them. They hopefully think I am threatening them with a two fingered judo chop, but instead I imagine they get a �come beat me up, I only have one hand� vibe from my busted flipper.

I have always loved how MAD you can get someone in another car with giving them the bird.

I recommend the SLOW bird.

If you whip it out to quickly, it tips your hand that you are pissed. I much prefer the dramatic slow raise from the driver side window. You finger ascending in defiance of the other persons emotions. Slowly, causing their anger to boil and then explode as you glimpse over and they are so incensed with anger they are forced to bite part of their steering wheel off.

Or better yet, moving just the very tip of my middle finger just under the glass back and forth like a shark�s docile fin, all while humming the jaws theme, when the big finish comes you smoosh your extended finger against the glass DUN NA!!!!!

They can hear me. They heard my song. I am in their head. I am their master.

But now, while my fin is taped down, I am powerless on the road. I am a peacock with no feathers. I am like that crazy lizard with the huge Frills, but instead on the frills, it says �I�m a little bitch.�

Let me just say, if I was deaf, and I broke a finger, it would be like having laryngitis for 4 to 6 weeks. I would be signing things retarded. It would be the worst.

To prevent this, I would wear platemail gloves if I was deaf. I would treat my hands like babies, spoon feeding them hand lotion.

I�m going out to dinner tonight at a nice restaurant, and I will be attempting to use a knife. The fork is out. I couldn�t use it right. I�d be trying to balance it on my hand but it would end up like the fat kid on the see-saw, and the food would go flying do to my infantile grip.

With a knife, I can slowly create friction to cut through the meat product on my plate. I can whittle a chunk off with sheer will power and a constant back and forth motion. It still sucks thought, because I have to order everything rare. The minor but consistent friction my lame paw creates will cook the steak two temperatures just in the cutting attempt.

I got ribs the other night.

That was an abortion. Shit was e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e . I had about as much control over my food as Christopher Reeves had over his bladder. I tried to one hand BBQ ribs which was like trying jump rope with one end tied to a helicopter. People were asking for their checks. Children were crying. Japanese tourist were taking pictures while pointing thinking I was Nick Nolte. It looked like I made out with a toothless rabid wolf that ate a half rotted roadkill that was just crushed unrecognizable by 18-wheels of a big rig hauling cement blocks driven by a 500 pound trucker. I was arrested by the board of health.

Tonight might be a soup night.

before - After

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