2005-09-30 - 4:39 p.m.

Girls/Guys: The Rule of Three

Sidenote:

Boston is driving off a Cliff. Back when I was skiing, this one time I couldn�t see this cliff and I totally went off it giving me the biggest sinking feeling I have ever had. It�s like that, but it�s the whole fucking city.

The Yankees are coming to town, and I dare not dive into this much more because it�s far too dangerous to talk about.

Right now I have just realized that I am flying off the Cliff. I have taken my last breath before the landing but I haven�t entered the air yet. I leave the ledge at 7:05 tonight. Impact is approximately between Saturday at 4:00 to Sunday at 5:00. It�s tough to tell from this high up.

If the Yankees and Indians win, the Season is over.
If the Red Sox Sweep, we are in.
If we win Two out of Three, and the Indians win 2 out of three, we go to a one game playoff on Monday and the loser of that game plays the wildcard play in on Tuesday.

Yes I know every scenario. Yes I know which teams won the coin toss.

More importantly I am about to toss my cookies. This stupid series that IS playoff baseball crept up on me. I hate the Yankees. I hate them so much. I spit on them and their superior attitude. I hate you Yankees. Know that.

Tonight I am going to close my eyes. I don�t want to look at the ground yet. I am going out. It�s not near a TV. I will be drinking. But it�s in Boston and you can feel the tremors from the roar of success, and feel the air sucked out by the collective gasp.

I�ve got a bad feeling about this.

________________________________________

In continuation with the girls/guys serious I would like to introduce the female rule of 3. We know about first dates and Brunches in Boston. We have talked about the wingman. We even tapped into generalities.

But what about long term successes. I typically assume that if a man is looking for a girl its not for a one night stand. If it is for a one night stand: here is the rule.

Tell her anything she wants to hear, as long as it�s not �lets wait.�

When Kids in the Hall was on, there was a character called �Cabbage Head� which was simply a guy with a cabbage for a head that just wanted to get laid. These are one night stand guys that will go to any lengths to have some form of sex. I, in this case, would suggest Cabbage Head to use both pity and pressure to get a girl to do it. Girls respond to pity and pressure, but end up resentful. If its one night, you don�t care about resent.

But I normally would recommend that all men stay away from being �Cabbage Heads� because not only does it sour women to us, but it�s just mean. At least think about it this way. If we piss off enough women, they aren�t going to like us anymore. Don�t burn bridges.

That being said, for the rest of the men out there, a tiny insight into the general female mind. Yes �general-- You might not be general. Some of you are messed up, and while I like that, it�s a different article about particular fetishes that people have.

The Rule of Three.
Three Dates: If you are lucky enough to get a date with a woman you like, fantastic. This is a two way street. Frankly men are typically terrible on picking up female signals. So use this as your guide. Most women will give you one date, as long as the first encounter isn�t 1) Creepy 2) Aggressive 3) Inappropriate.

If you hit on a girl at a funeral, you probably aren�t getting a date. If you talk about video games or your mother or your ex, she will NEXT you. If you are drunk and start touching you, she�s not gonna want to go out with you again. While these seem obvious, sometimes people don�t plug in the computer, so you gotta check when running the help desk.

Date 1: Was it a success. Here is the rule. YOU WILL NEVER KNOW. If you stick to the grounds or normalcy, there is no way that a woman worth her salt will let you know what she really thinks. I�ve seen girls tell you they had a really good time and run away, and women stone-face you because they really like you. Every girl is different; don�t even try to pick up on her signals. They, my friend, are whack.

Here are some rules to try and figure out if it was okay.
--Did you talk? If you didn�t talk it was a bad date. Non-talking dates are bad. (ie when on date: talk)
--What do you know about her? If you don�t know much about her, well Mr. Fuck up, you didn�t ask questions. That means she thinks you aren�t interested in her, which is probably true you letch.
--Did You � Eat her food, take a call, fart, scratch your balls, make fun of her, were sexually forward? BAD BAD BAD.
--Did she laugh? If a girl laughs that is sometimes a good thing. Now they might be laughing AT you, but generally her laughing is a good thing.
--Did she look at you? A girl that looks at you at least can look at you. Straws are meant to be grasped at.

Date 2: Most girls I have talked to will hand out a date two if date one was a 4 or about. So if she rated date 1 a four (on a scale from 1 to 10), you probably will get a second chance. A second date is STILL an audition. Don�t blow it. Same rules apply with a few differences.

--Unlike date 1, take her someplace she likes to go. This is good for two reasons, --1) She now is picturing you as PART of her life and 2)
--Bring up good things from date one � If you talked to her and she said �Oh I just love art museums�, WHY NOT GO TO AN ART MUSEUM! When you talk to people part of the talking is remembering and listening to what they say. If she sees you remember her, that�s a good thing.
--Also, bringing up good things is perfect for selective memory (male and female). I don�t remember the Patriots 9-7 season. The year they didn�t make the superbowl? Why! Cause it was PAINFUL! I remember the good times. We all do. This is why old people like �the old days.�

Date 3: No woman worth her salt will allow a date 3 if she doesn�t see something in you. Even if the second date went worse than the first (the dreaded �we peaked on the phone� theory) she�ll give a third date a go if at some point you were entertaining. Also, if date one and two went really well, it is of my opinion that date three is the introduction of sexual adventures.

First of all Date three is up to you. There is no good date three advice. This is the final audition and you are competing against �Her not putting up with you.� Think about that for a second. If she says �no� after date three she basically said, �I thought you might have been alright, but I was wrong. I�d rather date around.� On date three she�s gonna start to think, �is this guy interesting enough to tangle into my life?�

And be honest. Maybe you don�t have anything in common with this girl. You might not make enough money. She might like Indian food. She might have 4 cats and take pictures of them and put them on the internet at her blog. I have always wondered, if single, what a girl would think when she discovered my blog (such a dirty word) existed.

Of course I probably wouldn�t tell her for at least 3 years.

You have no idea how much I am not kidding.

Since certain people read this, here is my quick blurb on sexual adventures. It all starts with the eyes. It ends with your crotches touching. That feels better than it sounds. Be brave.

After a successful completion of Date Three, you are IN! Until you reach the next check point you are officially �dating material�. Unless you are just terrible in bed, this could go for �

Three Months: After three months a girl will start evaluating your idiosyncrasies. Example:

Why are you behind on bills?
Why are you watching Star Trek?
Why did you ex-girlfriend call?
Why are you going to your mothers again?
Why are you a Female Night Elf in World of Warcrack?
Wait, you own one pair of pants?
Tell me these were a gift?
Wait, you are a football fan?
Wait, you are a Yankees fan? (personally I sort that out on date one)
What do you mean you have a kid?
When were you going to tell me about �Gump�s Hood�
Why do you writing dating entries when you are dating me?
How many hours a day DO you play video games?
Did you vote for Nader?
When was the last time you went to church?

Etc� etc�

The dealbreaker. Month Three women look for the dealbreaker. The thing about you and your life that she can either 1) Change 2) Have to accept or 3) Have to get out. If you live with your parents, that become an issue in month three. Bascially after three months of courting/fun the honeymoon is over and either she�s realizing �nice guy, doesn�t have it together� or �too immature� or �I need to help him,� or �I don�t think I�ll be able to love him.�

After three months, girls are going to get the question from other girls �Do you love him.� And in answering that, your future lies young padwon. No relationship is perfect and I believe that the first rough patch starts around month three. Flaws will be revealed, and tough questions will be asked. If you make it through that, she�s going to bond to you and it�s officially a relationship that she will remember. A two week guy she dumped? Nope, 3 months and you are eternal, even if just a footnote. If you want to be a chapter�

3 Years � I don�t care if you are 14 years old, or 60 years old. After three years of dating a woman is now considering marriage. If she doesn�t like the word �marriage� than eternal life partner or at least someone who she wants to keep around for a long time.

And that�s a fact. You don�t spend three years with someone and not at least think about marriage, but after three, she�s moving in that direction. It�s a fair warning for men, because they need to be aware that women typically will not be content with the status quo for years and years on end because they will feel rejected in some way.

Suzie is getting married why is Ben not getting a ring for me.

Mind you, this doesn�t mean that you WILL get married, it just means that if you asked, she�ll probably say yes. And she�ll probably want you to ask. And pretty soon she�ll probably start asking you to ask, and after that she�ll probably buy the ring and ask you.

And unless you want to live through having a girl slip a diamond ring on her own finger, (and that�s pretty much agreeing to a lifelong guilt trip which will end in a divorce in which you might just cut your dog in half to prove a point) -- don�t date a girl you don�t want to marry. I don�t care how good your crotches feel together.

before - After

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