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2003-07-23 - 1:54 p.m.

Dreams 10



Before - After

Dreams 10

Ever notice how you never want to get up in the morning?

Ever wonder why getting out of bed is so hard?

I think that most of us just believe that it �is� hard. That waking up is a pain. That we can bear to face the day.

I have often asked myself why this is. I think I have found an answer.

I loved McDonalds when I was younger. I loved it. The food tasted so good, and the instant gratification level was high. However, later in life, when occasionally I venture back I find that the taste is still gratifying, but that my body can no longer handle the grease and fat content, often resulting in a sick feeling.

This is not to mention the calories that I have become concerned with now, because I can no longer metabolize a double quarter ponder.

However, I remember the taste, and I miss it sometimes, because it was such a satisfying meal. I remember when you bit into a quarter pounder, you felt like a King.

Perhaps not all of you can relate to this, but the same hold true for ice cream, or cookies, or chips, and other junk foods.

Their taste is phenomenal, and satisfies you, but they are foods that damage and hurt your body, and the older you grow; the larger the toll.

I think of the universal statement: It seems that things you like are bad for you.

We die from rampant sex, we grow fat on beer and pizza, we get cancer from cigarettes, and the pain of love lost often hurts more than anything else physical.

Yet we go on.

I think that if there is a God, he has vats up there with our names on it. Each one of us has a Vat of life. This vat gets drained every time we have fun. This is why the happy die young, and only really bitter people live to 108.

Well, I loved to dream when I was little. I really did. I had huge vast dreams. Often times I could continue them from night to night. They were beautiful.

I had plans, images I created of who I could be, who I could become. I dreamed of being special, important, powerful, respected, and sometimes superhuman.

I dreamed these things and these sweet fantasies gave me hope for the future.

Well the future is here.

From the point I went to college doors started closing. I didn�t go to Harvard; so now I will never be �the best� in my field.

I will no longer be a professional athlete.

I will never date Josie Maran.

I can�t be a scientist or engineer.

I will never be an author.

I won�t be able to grow old near my friends.

I won�t die in a way that will label me a hero, a flame of glory.

I won�t be so many of the things I dreamed. I was young and I believed that I was going to be able to do certain things. My dreams gave me fantasies of the future being this bright wonderful place where I would be important, where my life would matter.

My dreams have now given me despair.

I still dream as intensely as I did when I was little, but now I am old enough to see the truth of the world. The truth is that people get hurt, beaten up, die, get ugly, grow lonely, get sick, and then die. Their legacy is able to be wrapped into a sullen hour ceremony, because the living don�t have the vacation time to mourn the dead.

It is sad that when I sleep I dream of things that I will never do. I always hoped that I would be able to accomplish things that I dreamt of.

I am not saying that I, or you, haven�t accomplished anything, but the fact is that we don�t achieve our fantasies. We only get one life. No one can be both and astronaut and a doctor and baseball star. (except maybe Bo Jackson: Bo knows Astrophysics)

So why then do we dream. I certainly don�t dream about sitting at a desk.

I don�t dream about diaryland.

I don�t dream about filling out forms.

I think we dream because life is just that dull. I think we dream to pass the time.

As we drift through time.

We need to play. Humans are gifted with the ability to see the future. You laugh, but a dog can�t anticipate getting sick. He can�t plan for that. Humans can. It�s our gift to be able to see the beginning and end, and cycle of life.

We dream to escape those worthless minutes. Those minutes in which we just wish time would pass faster.

But I don�t want to dream. This is why I don�t sleep. I know that I am going to die. I don�t want a useless minute. I don�t want to waste a moment of my youth. I have already spent enough time dicking around, waiting in line, going to bed early, sleeping, and daydreaming.

For what?

All that my dreams have given me is a few good entries and false hope. Hope that I would be something that I will never become.

Most of the time we don�t remember our dreams anyway.

We just lose time. We just watch life go by.

Dreaming force you to realize that you are settling. You heart wants more, and you can�t achieve your fantasies.

In one of my favorite novel, Hemmingway�s Old Man and the Sea, the main character dreams of these lions.

They are his fantasy, and despite all that occurs to him in the book, he still dreams of these lions.

They represent his desire for pride, strength, and nobility. His life reflects these dreams.

I often have asked myself if my life lives up to what my heart desires and what I dream of.

It rarely does.

My images of life that I had as a child have been called into question. My childhood perspective on the world was through stained glass. Now I see the future and it�s bleak and full of disappointment. I spend money to buy insurance for disasters? Can I buy insurance for disappointment?

Is the world really as cold as it appears?

I don�t want to dream anymore.

I want to learn about reality and I want to learn about what humans are capable of. I want to learn to love life again.

before - After

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