2006-04-07 - 3:46 p.m. The Anatomy of a Bachelor Party I�m planning a Bachelor Party. I�m planning it for my best friend The Vomiting Cod. I�m also planning one for me. It a joint bachelor party. This is because I�m getting married. This should come as no surprise but if you are interested in the details you can go here though I doubt you�ll find much. ___________ A Bachelor Party has always been a far and away the best pre-wedding even out there. The Bachelorette party is typically annoying to most people looking in from the outside. The Showers are torturous events. The Bachelor Party, however, is by far the single most guy event in the western world. The Concept: Men get together an embark on a trip of epic stupidity and debauchery. *properly done, these events could verge on legendary 1) Lack of planning -- Plans must be made, but the plans must be flawed. It must �come together� in order to achieve greatness. 2) Chance to Die -- Vomiting Cod said a Bachelor party is best if you have an 18% chance to die on it. I am in full agreement with that. Being a Man is dangerous. We are constantly unaware of what we are doing. This must be embraced. ** Incidentally I don�t know the role of the gay friend in the Bachelor party? I�m certain that he can enjoy himself, but even the most modern bachelor party is 18th century at best� and this has very little ability to share and include the gay friend. However, an all gay bachelor party � well now that is a documentary in the making! Which groom gets to go? What kinda strip club do they go to? Two best men? Who plans it? Is one mad at the other if he comes home smelling like booze and cigarettes? This is one of the 21st Centuries greatest questions! 7) The Fight Guys will fight. This isn�t as big a deal as one might thing. The Bachelor party will demand blood at some point and someone will be more than willing to donate�.willingly or not. The thing with fights are unless its over something stupid, like a girl or food, they mean very little to. Guys can come back from fights very easily. In fact the two men might actually form a stronger Greco Roman bond after. This is much in the same way as I�ve always felt Noriega and Castro are destined to be friends. The only side note is that if the Groom does fight, there can be no face shots. This goes right along with the �no testicle shots� rule in friendly fights. It�s explicit. Any sane male is born knowing these rules. 8) Cramped Quarters Pack em in. This ain�t no luxury vacation. This is a bachelor party. Sleeping in the tub is not only an advantage in being the first one showered, but it should also be a luxury bed. People should also not �go to sleep�. They should �pass out�. Also if someone ends up meeting a girl on the trip � they go to HER place. If she comes back with the guy with the intention of a night cap, he must clearly explain that if nookie is to be had, it will be among a sea of men. If the girl is cool with that, wear a rubber. 9) The Group Hook-up This isn�t what you think. This is about Philosophy. Girls, on the Bachelorette party, are highly encouraged not to leave the pack. They are taught to stay in close. Protect the Bride. Only leave to go to the bars and the bathroom. If you leave go with a buddy. This is �HER� night. It�s not �YOUR� night to dance with a cute boy. Bitch. Guys are the opposite. They highly encourage the group to actively invite women into the fold. They want to meet people. They buy people drinks. They want one of the pack to meet a pretty lady and take her out for a interesting evening of magic, majik, and sexual magic. The bachelor himself is often proud if his �boy� ended up going off and getting laid, reminiscing years later � �remember when Brian totally scored with that chick at Ruby�s Clam Dive?� feeling a sense of satisfaction that his marriage somehow lead to that event The only exception to this rule is if the guy is going to miss something critical. �Dude, you were going to be the top of the pyramid for the llama hijacking!� The letdown of missing a critical planned event must be matched by either 1) the guys lack of previous sex or 2) the girls hotness. If Jim Smooth is missing out on baseball tickets to sleep with Henrietta Harlot, it�ll cause friction, but guys are pretty chill about this sorta thing. 9A) The Next Day The problem with the Bachelor Party hook up is � if its mid party (ie a weekend getaway) then you are 100% responsible for returning on your own. If you stayed over with her, you�ve got to get back. There is no �come pick me up.� You can �meet up,� but unless you�ve got a car full of fly honeys, you cab it to the herd. If it�s leaving day you get three calls within one hour before departure. No more. No less. If you fail to answer, you are on your own. If you are in the wedding party, your get four calls. Leave no man behind is for Nam and school dances. The only exception to this is if you are the bachelor. The group must find the bachelor. If the bachelor somehow ended up going home with Reba Ridem, that�s the groups fault anyway, so they are responsible until 1) The bachelor makes contact 2) The bachelor turns up dead 3) The fianc�e discovers the man missing in action. If the bachelor makes contact and says he plans on calling the wedding off and living with Hussy Hookup until happily ever after, the group must still get him and bring him home. 10) That Guy It�s the guy no one wants on the trip, but the trip wouldn�t be nearly illicit without him. It�s like that firework that blew a finger off. Sure you want your finger back, but were it not for that firecracker your penis would have been stuck in a car�s gas tank years ago. It�s the guy that pukes before you go out to the first bar. The guy who bets you he can chug a beer holding it in his teeth before the mechanical bulls tosses him off. This is the guy who thinks that because Chuck Norris can jump three flights into a garbage bin and be okay � he can too. He�s a warning sign, but he�s also the guy who will create the defining �highlight story� of the trip. You never know when the highlight story will occur, but it will be the first and most known story of the trip, and it will involve the total and utter humiliation of �that guy.� Be warned � every bachelor party has a defining story, regardless of the quality of the bachelor party. It�s just if the party was terrible, the story will involve how it was terrible, and the bachelor may never know. 11) The Send Off The end of a bachelor party should be pathetic as your first kiss after getting braces. The party should be over. The guests should be tapped�completely and totally unable to come up with anything funny to say. It should be like corpses shaking hands and trying to avoid eye contact. Phrases like �what happens in Miami, stays in Miami� should be implied, not said. Saying it is something girls say when they�ve done nothing worth hiding. If you really never want to speak of the event again, you never speak of it in the first place. There should be the sense of shame and sickness among everyone as they say goodbye. Nods instead of smiles. �Bye� rather than �it was so good to see you�. There should be no congratulations. And if anyone, and I mean anyone, has any life left -- If anyone appears not on the edge of vomiting a kidney, or doesn�t have that O.D. vacant look on their face -- they are uninvited from the wedding. Including the Groom. | |||||||||||
