2004-03-18 - 2:45 p.m. a goddamned nightmare Howdy, cyber-sluts. My name is dinguspie, and I'll be running this joint for a while.--Maybe a long while. But I'll get to that in a minute... See, gump and I go way back. We were friends in high school. Here is proof: I'd tell you that gump is the one on the lower left, but that's hardly necessary. You are, after all, his fanatical cyber-sluts. (I am the red haired fellow on the right. Also of note: Kerbang is the handsome fellow to my right.) Yep, gump and I were pretty close. I'd say we were best friends. He even drove all the way out to Pittsburgh (where I live now) to visit me a few weeks ago! Now, I keep a nice apartment, as anyone can see: Isn't that rooster adorable? And Kip Wells...he's my favorite ball-player for local nine! Gump himself said a few kind words about my place. "Gee, Dingus," he said, patting me on the back (we're very close), "I sure do admire and respect what you've done to the place. It's so wholesome!" That meant a lot to me. It also made what was about to happen that much worse. I left the apartment for just a minute, to get some milk. When I returned, all hell had broken loose, and Gump was nowhere to be seen. Just look for yourself! He left a trail of...GAY KNICKNACKS! It was terrible. Our friendship was, of course, ruined, and I vowed revenge. I knew just who to call: Kerbang. He's the most ruthless son of a bitch I know. He told me, "Get on the next plane to Boston. And don't worry. I've got a lot of books." The whole book thing didn't make much sense to me at first, but I trusted Kerbang. Like I said, he's the most despicable, depraved, sinful, villainous piece of shit I know! When I got to Boston, Kerbang was giggling. "I've been waiting to get that damned gump for a long time." This surprised me; they always seemed cordial. But he explained his newfound hatred of all things gump. "I sold him a landspeeder last week on Starwars Galaxies, and that bastard never paid me." Clearly, gump had to go down. And Kerbang knew just what to do. The solution to our problem was in one of his books. Bwhahahahahahah! If you look closely, you can see that that innocuous little red volume is entitled: "How to Turn a Mere Man in to A Zombie-Beast". At first I was skeptical. Could it really be true? But then Kerbang pointed out that the book was written in latin, so it must be true. We set to work. We told gump we bought him a ticket to 'london' (he'd never heard of it, but we told him there was beer there) in order to throw off his family and friends, as well as you, his sycophantic cyber-sluts. No one suspected a thing. And that's when we did it. We turned that fucker into a zombie. It was a goddamned nightmare. We had turned gump into a slathering, blubbering, fish-gripping, blood-spewing hell-hound! So face up to the facts, people. Your beloved gump is gone. From now on, all of your sycophantic cyber-slutism will be directed at me, dinguspie, new lord of the cyber-slut kingdom. You can send your marriage proposals, donations, livestock offerings, first born children, gump's illegitimate offspring, etc. to [email protected], just as you have been. (Just scan the livestock, children, etc. first, and upload them as attachments. Do I have to figure out everything around here?) | |||||||||||
